


our hearts will always separate.

by writer_in_progress



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men (Original Timeline Movies)
Genre: Angst is that you?, Bittersweet, Cherik - Freeform, I'm Sorry, Idiots in Love, Just enjoy, M/M, Suffering, Tags Are Hard, There will be happiness too I promise, What Was I Thinking?, Young Charles Xavier, Young Charles and Erik, i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-04 00:30:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21188567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writer_in_progress/pseuds/writer_in_progress
Summary: “When I was 17, I met a young man named Erik Lehnsherr.“





	1. to save him.

Oxfordshire, England, 1949

_Charles had never felt something like that before._

He could usually ignore everyone’s thoughts if he wanted to, but with this man’s mind it was different. Once he touched it, he seemed to be unable of setting himself free. As if some kind of strange connection linked their minds together. Charles couldn’t understand what it was or why it occurred, but the feeling was irresistible.

This man — whose name was Erik Lehnsherr, as Charles’d found out — stood at the other end of the room, talking to some people. Charles did his best not to stare at him, he tried not to even look in that direction. He wasn’t sure if the man could in any way _ feel _ his presence, but all this situation was weird and unusual enough for Charles to decide to be careful.

When he touched Lehnsherr’s mind, he didn’t just hear his current thoughts, but felt this nearly overwhelming pain, echoing from the past. And the connection with this feeling, with this old suffering and loss seemed to be so strong, so fresh, as if it’d been carefully taken care of throughout the years.

And Charles thought it was both terrifying and extremely fascinating.

Lehnsherr’s mind was definitely a place he wished to explore, he’d seen so many things — memories, thoughts and feelings, that he hoped to understand.

But it was not his choice to make and he knew that. It was wrong to enter _ these _parts of someone’s mind without a consent. It was just too personal, too intimate and even though it was really tempting, Charles knew he couldn’t do that.

But it was actually hard to stay _ out _ of Lehnsherr’s mind. His thoughts were so loud, his feelings so deep and his memories so bright. Charles tried to think of something else, something that would help him focus. He closed his eyes, trying calm his mind. _ My name is Charles Xavier, _he thought. _ I’m seventeen and I’m from- _

“Is everything alright?”

He opened his eyes and saw no one else but Erik Lehnsherr standing in front of him with his brows knitted. Charles got frightened that maybe Erik’d felt something, some kind of impulse in his mind. He cleared his throat and tried to put himself together.

Charles’d always been perceived as a weird kid, a little isolated from his peers. He’d known there was something different about him ever since he’d remembered. He could _ hear _other people’s thoughts. All these voices coming from every direction. And it took him years to actually learn how to keep them quiet, how to stop hearing them all the time. Sometimes he’d travel to places and times found in other people’s mind. He knew details about others that he shouldn’t know. He knew their secrets, understood their pain, shared their happiness. And it didn’t bring him a lot of friends. Before he learned how to control and hide his powers, how to distinguish things people’d told him from the things found in their heads, he’d earned himself a reputation of a weirdo. People were actually a bit scared of him sometimes and he couldn’t really blame them. But coming to college was supposed to be a chance to start over. And yet there he was, the first night, acting like a complete idiot.

“My name is Erik,” said the boy, offering his hand and Charles, too anxious to say anything, automatically shook it.

And as their hands touched, Erik’s mind opened to Charles again, even though he didn’t want to get inside of it. And this time he saw things he wished he’d never seen. He saw _ death_. Hundreds of dead bodies and thousands alive, faces deformed in unbearable pain. He saw mothers, screaming names of their children and others, who tried to forswear their sons and daughters in order to save their own lives. He saw men begging for the mercy of death, consumed by illness, losing their mind from the constant suffering. He saw the very bottom of what a human being could become. And all of this done by one man to other. And all this seen through the eyes of Erik Lehnsherr, who witnessed and went through it all. Who _ survived _ it all.

Charles lost his breath. The sudden outbreak of memories struck him and made him incapable of controlling his powers enough to back out of Erik’s mind. He felt tears going down his face. He couldn’t quite wrap his head around what he’d just seen.

Of course he’d heard a lot about war and all the inhuman crimes that were committed during it, but actually experiencing it through memories of a person who was there — a person who suffered and survived through all of this, that was something completely different.

And it was like a fresh wound in Erik’s mind. Charles doubted something like that could ever get healed, he knew he’d probably never recover. And yet, this man, only few years older than him, stood there, in a room full of people, talking with them and even managing to smile. Charles couldn’t imagine the strength one had to possess to be able to do that, while his soul was still bleeding, while his mind was still trapped in the past.

He opened his eyes and realized Erik’d been staring at him, probably waiting for some answer to something he’d said. He looked confused, maybe even a little worried.

Charles took a deep breath and as he let the air out, he finally felt it — _ this_, what made Lehnsherr’s mind different from any other. What made it special. He found it buried under all the pain, hidden under all the thoughts and memories. And the longer he looked, the more he saw. He could almost _ feel _ the power running through Erik’s body, the unbelievable ability, the marvelous _ gift_.

“You’re… You’re like me.” Words left Charles’ mouth before he could even realize what he was about to say.

“Like you?” repeated Erik, with a little smile.

_ You are different, just like me, _Charles threw this thought into Erik’s mind. Lehnsherr took a step back, accidentally bumping into a girl who was just passing by. After a while he looked at Charles again, wondering if he’d just imagined that or really heard a voice inside of his head.

_ My name is Charles Xavier_, said Charles inside Erik’s mind. _ And I believe we both have unusual powers. _

Charles could hear all the thoughts appearing in Erik’s head. It wasn’t easy to follow them or understand, because they were all disappearing before Charles could take a closer look. He tried to focus on Erik’s current thoughts, but his past and memories seemed to be so deeply connected to his consciousness, it was just impossible to ignore them.

And these were the unbelievable, unspeakable things that Charles couldn’t bear.

_ I thought I was the only one_, thought Erik. Charles tried to focus on that sentence, tried to bring himself back to present.

He looked into Erik’s eyes. They were unusually bright, filled with this sudden hope and fascination that Charles felt too. It was as if all his life, every moment and choice he’d made, led him to this very moment.

_ We’re not alone at all_. Charles gave Erik a little smile. He could sense all the loneliness Erik’d felt before, all the rage and pain in his heart.

And he couldn’t quite explain that, but he felt that this very moment was a start of something very important.

*******

“So how much you can know about me?” asked Erik. “From my mind?”

They were walking down the street, without any purpose. The night was really quiet, which made it easier for Charles to focus. He didn’t want to stay in Erik’s mind all the time, he knew that it could be uncomfortable to have a conversation like that and it was also really exhausting after a while. Especially because Lehnsherr’s mind seemed so sharp, so expressive and loud, Charles got lost in it after just few seconds and had to look for his way back.

“A lot,” he answered. For some reason it was really easy for him to be honest with Erik. “But your mind is… kind of hard to explore. As if it constantly changed, evolved. There’s no… peace in there.”

Charles realized maybe it wasn’t the best thing to say to someone. He looked at Erik, but the latter one was just staring at some imprecise point ahead of them. He didn’t answer, just shook his head subtly and cleared his throat.

“What I want to say…” Charles stopped and turned so that he could find Erik’s eyes. “I can see your past. Feel the pain you’ve been through.”

Erik looked away, almost as if he was ashamed of what he’d experienced. And, having touched his mind, Charles thought he could understand it. It couldn’t be easy to realize that someone knows every detail about the worst part of who you are, or at least the part you’d been made to believe was the worst of you. It couldn’t be easy, to stand in front of someone and be like an open book — not being able to hide anything, leave anything unspoken. Especially after living in shadows for so many years.

Then Erik suddenly raised his head and smiled with uncertainty. “But I still don’t know anything about you, Charles Xavier.”

Charles shivered, hearing the way in which Erik pronounced his name. But he told himself it was just because of the cold of the night.

“What do you wanna know?” asked Charles, when they started walking again. Erik hesitated for a while and Charles had to fight the temptation to reach for his mind and find out what he’d been thinking about.

“When did you first… discover your powers?”

“I was seven. At first I thought I was getting crazy. You know, hearing all the voices in my head. And it can sometimes be… overwhelming.” He paused, looking for right words. “I don’t just hear other people’s thoughts. I can _ feel _ what they’re feeling, see their ambitions, dreams, their _ pain._ And I can do much more than that.”

He didn’t like testing his abilities on innocent people, but of course he was curious what was the border, the limit of what he could do. So he did try. And he knew he could create telepathic illusions, absorb and place information in someone’s mind, even control people’s mind — to what point, he couldn’t be sure though. Sometimes his powers astonished him, sometimes terrified. He was aware of the fact that he was capable of doing marvelous things — as well as he was capable of doing monstrous things.

“What do you think… gave us these powers?” asked Erik slowly. Charles looked at him in consternation and couldn’t help but sense some of Lehnsherr’s feelings.

There was a small part in Erik’s mind that wished he’d never had these powers. That wished he’d been just a normal boy — as much as possible, given his life experience. And Charles understood that very well. There were nights when other people’s thoughts kept him awake. There were nights when he didn’t sleep at all, bearing others’ pain. There were nights when he wished he’d never had these abilities. Moments when he hated it more than anything.

“I believe there’s some… purpose in this,” he said. “I don’t know what caused it, but I believe there is a reason and there is a purpose.”

Erik laughed shortly. As if the very idea seemed too ridiculous to him. Charles raised his brows. “I believe that we can bring a lot of good into this world.”

“So you think that we have these powers so that we can help _ humans_?” He said the last word with such dose of abomination in his voice, that Charles shivered again.

“I don’t know why we have them. But if we could make this world just a little bit better-”

“What if this world doesn’t deserve it? What if _ humans _ don’t deserve our help?”

Charles stopped walking and looked into Erik’s eyes again. But he couldn’t find there what he was looking for — hope. Erik seemed to be determined to believe what he’d just said. And Charles had to ask himself, if he could blame him for that? After everything he’d been through, could Erik be blamed for not having faith in humanity?

“I don’t think that the right to receive help has to be earned, Erik.”

“There’s no such thing as _ the right to receive help_, Charles.” Erik’s voice was harsh, full of anger now. Cold. “Or at least there wasn’t when my mother was killed.”

Charles felt tears gathering in his eyes again. He couldn’t even begin to explain how terribly sorry he felt for Erik. And not just because of what he’d been through, but also because he still couldn’t move on from that, not even a little. The memory of his mother’s death, the memories of all the terrifying things he’d witnessed, were still alive in his mind, constantly reminding him of the pain and anger he’d felt.

“I’ve felt your _ agony_, Erik. I know how you feel. I understand-”

“How could you ever hope to understand that?” whispered Erik, taking a step back.

“I _ understand _ that holding onto past will bring you nothing good.”

Charles went into Erik’s mind again, this time really focused on what he was searching for. He went by all the terrible experiences of war and looked deeper. It wasn’t easy to move around Erik’s mind, Charles felt almost attacked by all the thoughts and memories pushing him from every direction. But after a while, he finally found what he’d been looking for. A short, indistinct memory from childhood, from the time _ before. _Before the war. Before the pain. Before the hatred.

_ A seven year old boy, running through meadow, his laugh mixing with the laugh of his mother — chasing him and calling his name. _

Tears were going down Erik’s face. “Get out of my head,” he said quietly, looking away from Charles.

“There are so many… good memories, Erik. You just choose not to remember them.”

Charles wasn’t sure what he was doing, when he put his hand on Erik’s shoulder. He just felt that he should in some way comfort him. To Charles’ surprise, Erik didn’t push him away. But he also didn’t look at him again.

Charles realized that the boy standing in front of him was broken, that his heart was filled with rage and pain that went beyond human imagination. But he also saw so much more in him— he saw good, too. And even though he’d met him just few hours ago, he knew he had to do everything in his power, to save it. To save _ him_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> So I had this idea for quite a long time and I finally thought I could do something about it. It is strongly inspired by this tumblr post (don’t open if you don’t want spoilers about the ending I guess?): https://chessandmagnets.tumblr.com/post/114000428142/when-i-was-17-i-met-a-young-man-named-erik
> 
> Anyway, I hope someone will enjoy it, I know it’s not the best, but I’m trying haha
> 
> The next chapter should be posted... soonish?


	2. the first one.

“It’s so boring.”

“I didn’t tell you to read it.”

Erik threw the book on the table and reached for another one. He didn’t even open it, just looked at the title and then threw it away, too. Charles sighted.

It was a really cold evening, one of these that keep people at home, so Charles wanted to spend it studying. But, even though he’d been stubbornly going through the books, he couldn’t focus at all. Not when Erik was around.

“But you could. You can tell me to do _ anything _, can’t you?”

Charles looked up and saw Erik smiling. He noticed this strange feeling going through his body, which had been appearing from time to time when he was with Erik. He had to admit, he was kinda surprised by how fast they grew fond of each other and how natural it felt to just be together. He’d never say that out loud, because it sounded just too irrational, but he felt as if he’d known Erik forever. Or rather as if he’d been waiting all his life just to meet _ him _.

But being around Erik could also be challenging at moments. Charles had already realized how different their opinions on some matters could be. They had already had few small arguments, because neither of them wanted to change his mind. But Charles hoped with time Erik would come around to see good in others, just as Charles did. He hoped one day his friend would be able to let go of his past, to see the world a little differently, a little brighter.

“I suppose so,” Charles answered and looked away.

“Then do it. Use your powers on me.”

His heart skipped a beat. He was sure he had to somehow misunderstood Erik’s words. But when he looked into Lehnsherr’s eye — these unbelievably deep eyes— he realized Erik had been serious about it.

He wished he could refuse without hesitation, but there was something that stopped him from doing that. Because it was really tempting. To get inside of Erik’s mind again. To use his powers. To see if they work the same on someone who’s like him, someone who has powers, too. Maybe Erik was immune to Charles’s suggestions?

He took a deep breath. “No,” he said, finally.

Erik whined. “You’re so boring.”

“Excuse me?” Charles raised his brows. It actually hurt a little to hear something like that from Erik, but Charles would never admit that. Erik moved closer, putting his elbows on the table.

“Think about the things you could do. With your powers… nothing could stop you.” Erik’s voice was full of this peculiar excitement, that made Charles shiver. “You have all you need to fully enjoy your life and yet, you keep doing everything you can to avoid that.”

Charles knew Erik was right, in some way. He’d been afraid of really using his powers. And it was mainly because he was afraid of what would happen if people had found out. He feared it’d mean the end of his _ ordinary _ life, which he, in fact, really liked. And he also feared what it’d mean for Raven.

Ah, yes, his little sister. He felt so responsible for her, he would sometimes just spend hours worrying about her. Raven’s powers were extraordinary, marvelous. But he realized very well why she preferred to hide them. And if he’d ever decided to reveal his powers, he wanted to be sure, she was ready for that, too.

Charles looked at Erik. He still hadn’t told him about Raven. And he still hadn’t told Raven about Erik. He wasn’t sure why, but he just felt that it wasn’t yet the right time to do that.

“That’s not true,” said Charles, but his voice didn’t sound as confident as he’d want it to.

“Don’t you just want to do something crazy sometimes?” Charles didn’t answer. He suddenly heard his heart beating very clearly and couldn’t focus. “Come on, Charlie, I mean, if you really regret it, you can always just make everyone forget.”

Erik laughed.

And _ there it was _.

When Charles looked at Erik again, it was suddenly completely different. As if someone had just switched the button.

Charles moved closer, really close. He almost did something he had no idea he’d wanted to do — at least not till this very moment. He almost kissed Erik. But then, in the last second he hesitated and freezed, when his lips almost touched Erik’s. He could feel Erik’s breath on his skin and this unknown feeling went through his body again.

Erik wasn’t smiling anymore. It felt almost as if the whole world stopped for this moment, when he looked at Charles’s lips. He did not hesitate. He kissed Charles, at first slowly, with uncertainty. Neither of them could expect that to happen, but when it did happen, it felt so right, they were both astounded by the strength of this feeling.

Charles realized his hand was shaking, when he raised it to touch Erik’s neck. He had never kissed anyone before. He had never felt this need, this uncontrollable desire to get closer to anyone. He opened his mouth, allowing Erik to deepen the kiss. But Erik was careful. He didn’t want to push too far, as if he knew how overwhelming was this new feeling for Charles.

Erik put his fingers into Charles’s hair, desperately searching for _ more _. But he did his best to put his feelings under control. He stopped the kiss while he was still able to do that and put his forehead against Charles’s. They were both breathing heavily.

“You won’t make me forget it, will you?” whispered Erik, with a little smile.

Charles smiled back. “No.”

***

“You’re going to cheat,” said Erik, while Charles was preparing the chessboard.

“I swear I won’t.” Charles put his right hand on his heart, as if he was going to make an oath.

Erik looked at him suspiciously for a while. Charles couldn’t blame him — he had to admit that playing chess with a psychic sounded rather ridiculously. That was the reason why Raven never wanted to play with him. But, however unbelievable it might have seemed to others, Charles really didn’t intend to cheat. He just didn’t think there would be any point in playing, then.

“Alright, Charlie, I trust you you won’t cheat. But if you do, I’ll make you regret it.”

Charles laughed shortly. “And how are you going to do that?”

“I could think of some things.”

Charles looked at Erik, not quite sure if he was still joking or not. He could never be sure of that, to be honest. But Erik gave him this little smile, more like a smirk, which always made Charles’s heart lose its rhythm.

It had been more than a week now since their kiss. It did not happen again. Actually, nothing much happened after that. It didn’t change anything about their relationship, apart from the fact they both_ knew _ now. They knew what the other one was feeling. But neither of them acted on it.

Erik’d been waiting. He believed he should give Charles some time to deal with these new feelings. And he was right. As much as Charles wanted to be with Erik, he was terrified of how strong this desire was.

Charles cleared his throat, looking away. He finished preparing the board and finally sat in front of Erik. “You start,” he said.

Erik moved one of his pawns. “It’s been a while since I last played,” he admitted.

Charles made his move and smiled at Erik. “Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you.”

“If you’re going to cheat, I swear-”

“I am not going to cheat!”

Erik went quiet, thinking about his next move and Charles took the opportunity to just stare at him. And he didn’t think he could ever get enough of that view. His treacherous heart started beating faster, as an undeniable proof of his feelings.

Erik slowly raised his head and looked Charles in the eyes. “What?” he asked. 

“Nothing.” Charles finally looked away, but he just couldn’t calm his heart.

He concentrated on the board, trying to remember how does one play chess. When he looked up again, he saw that it was now Erik who was staring at him, with a little, ambiguous smile on his face, that, Charles thought, could only mean that troubles were coming.

“Have you ever been with anyone, Charles?” asked Erik, slowly. Charles freezed.

“What do you mean?” He knew very well what Erik meant. But he hoped he’d somehow avoid answering the question.

He could have expected something like that would come up sooner or later. But for some reason he hadn’t and he was completely unprepared for having this conversation.

“Oh, you know. In a relationship. With a girl. Or a boy.”

Charles hesitated. Erik looked him deeply in the eyes and he started feeling pretty uncomfortable. As if Erik could see the truth anyway. As if he could read Charles’s mind. And maybe he really could.

They had this connection, this bond, that terrified Charles at moments. He had never felt something so strong, so irresistible.

“No,” he answered finally, with his voice shaking almost imperceptibly.

Erik didn’t say anything. For the next few minutes they remained quiet, but Charles just couldn’t focus anymore. He kept looking at Erik, more often than it’d be natural. He even opened his mouth to say something few times. But he didn’t.

Charles never really thought much about destiny. But if there was something like that, if their lives were really written in the stars or anything, he was sure, in every version of his life, he was bound to meet Erik. It felt so natural, so right, it just had to be. It had to happen. He was sure that, no matter what choices they’d make and no matter where they went, they had to meet each other, sooner or later.

“What are you thinking about?” Erik’s voice surprised Charles. He realized he’d been just staring at Erik for a longer moment, completely forgetting about the game. He wasn’t even sure whose move the next one was.

“I’m sorry, I got distracted,” he said, looking at the chessboard again. He slowly collected all the little pieces of bravery that remained somewhere in him. “What about you? Have you ever… been in a relationship?”

Erik smiled. “Can’t you just read my mind, Charles?”

He could. But the thing was, he didn’t want to. Erik was the first person Charles had ever met, that he actually wanted to get to know. To slowly, step by step, build the bond between them. That’s why he had been trying not to get inside of Erik’s mind again. Not to look for all the answers there.

Charles didn’t answer. He didn’t think he had to. Erik leaned over, smile slowly disappeared from his face.

“No, not in a real relationship,” Erik sighted. “You’re going to be the first one.”

Charles lost his breath. He could literally feel his heart stumbling. He didn’t know what to say, what to do.

Erik moved back, with this little smirk on his face. He reached for one of his pieces and moved it, but Charles didn’t even look at the board. And he didn’t have to.

“Checkmate,” said Erik.


End file.
